Got this on an e-mail and being the day before xmas-eve thought i'd share. They might be quite old, but made me chuckle.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen'
on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?' I said
'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?' The bloke
said 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Which one's him, then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener and a
banana.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No,
this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything..'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'howdy! The salesmam says, "No, VW".
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today, while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin .
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
Fortune Favours the Brave...
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